Let’s talk about…sex

morning-after-sex-400x400Let’s talk about sex baby …
From the first moments of spin the bottle, to 7 minutes in heaven and finally – prom night, we all have a healthy interest and curiosity regarding sex. At the beginning of any relationship, sex can be the main objective, the main focus and the main event. That initial feeling of attraction and desire has you taking every opportunity to be alone together and every conversation seems to gravitate back to the subject of carnal desires.  The questions are always my favorite part of that sexual beginning- the easing in with “how old were you the first time?”, or “what is your favorite position” progressing to the more adventurous topics of “have you ever had a threesome?”, or “any objections to wearing leather and being spanked while I sing the star spangled banner?”. I love every part of sex in a new relationship, it can be the perfect opening of exploration and physical satisfaction. Hopefully. Possibly. Well, if you are lucky, it gets you in the ballpark of an orgasm. And what happens when you go from daily questions and conversations, to weekends without leaving the bed, to suddenly realizing it’s been a week since you bothered to shave your legs and he hasn’t even touched them to notice? That brings me to the real point of writing this. How do you deal when you and your partner have different sex drives? ….

Let’s talk about you and me …
Last week on the podcast the topic of sexless marriages was brought up and this was something that many people are surprised to learn about. Relationships/marriages in which you “do the deed” less than twice a month can be defined as sexless. Surprisingly, women are complaining about this just as much if not more than men. It used to be that the question of “what’s your number?” referred to how many partners you have had- but maybe that’s not the most important question to ask anymore. What is your ideal number of times to have sex in a week? How many times a week do you want to orgasm? And yes, they are different questions, I don’t need to orgasm to have great sex and there is nothing wrong with self-love.
So let’s say you are a 3-5 and he’s a 1-2 (times a week that is). What now? Let’s talk worst case scenario first. If you are not satisfied or you are settling it is going to show. For women, it seeps out of us in angry glances of sexual frustration that could literally melt your seldom used testicles. For men, it usually comes out first in additional computer time (thank god porn hub is free), followed by baby steps closer and closer to that rabbit hole of online female availability. Either way, it’s easy to get what you want from somewhere else. In a plastic society of divorces and disposable everything, a lack of screws can be rectified on amazon or tinder.
Let’s talk about all the good things ….
So is a mathematical disparity in sexual drives certain doom for a relationship? Ha, nope, not unless you give up trying. How do you make a 4 equal to a 2? Well let’s talk about additional ways to bring up a 2 to a 4 without sex. Step one (we can have lots of fun) – ask what the most important part of sex is for your partner, is it penetration? (amazon again to the rescue and if you want to really make a night of it, make some popcorn and go toy shopping when it’s not even Christmas time). Step two (there’s so much we can do) – Maybe for your partner sex is about that feeling of intimacy and physical appreciation (this is a great time to use that new toy! Or take a shower/bath together and have a real conversation while cuddling). Or as it was suggested recently, if you are a 1 or a 2- then wear their fucking ass out twice a week so that they don’t even want to think about sex for a few days. The common theme is simply this- define what makes sex important, find other ways to deliver that, and take the issue seriously or you will end up in a permanent Woodstock for one.
And the bad things that can be…
What happens if you choose to ignore the issue or worse yet, assume that its not your issue to worry about? So if you are satisfied and your partner is not-maybe they are just wired wrong, or too complicated or require way too many batteries to get off. Well, have you ever seen a pressure cooker that was opened too soon? Because its not pretty and quite frankly its downright dangerous. The partner that is not getting enough sex is going to experience some of the worst feelings that you can have in a relationship and about yourself as a human being. It is a form of abuse that is permanently damaging. When your partner constantly rejects your advances or makes you feel like your needs are not important, they are making you feel like you are not important. It causes damage to your self esteem, your self worth and it begins to affect all areas of your life. Its like what all those dogs at the pound must feel like, when they were cute little puppies all they knew was affection and love, they get a little older and suddenly they aren’t welcome on the couch or even in the house. It is impossible to not blame yourself for what you perceive as changes in the relationship. Sexual frustration leads to feelings of resentment in the relationship that manifests itself as anger over the little things. Every action suddenly becomes an outlet for those negative feelings- if you aren’t good enough to have sex with then how are you good enough to do the dishes, make dinner or anything else that involves showing affection?
Let’s talk about sex…
So there it is, the good, the bad and ugly about a basic biological function that we as humans have managed to complicate the fuck out of. I’ve had too much, I’ve had not enough and in the end its still one of the best ways to end a night when you are alone, with a partner or hell with many partners. So let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about sex.

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