How To Keep Your Man Happy!

Hello Ladies! Lemme holla at you for a minute about relationships. I specifically want to talk to you about how to keep your man happy. I know. I know. We are in 2018 and you girls have empowerment and such. That’s fine. Do you, boo boo. Do you. But as I look around my friends list on Facebook and see all these memes that women post of, “I don’t need a man”, or “I’m a strong independent woman, blah, blah, blah”, it saddens me to see that you are throwing away some potentially good relationships, because you don’t know how act or deal with rejection. Now, for you ladies that are in a relationship, congratulations. But don’t be fooled, just because you’re happy, doesn’t mean your man is happy. That line, “happy wife, happy life” is bullshit and you need to be checked on it. Just cuz you happy, don’t mean your man is happy. So, how do we keep your man happy? Well, the solution is simple, my dear. Sure, you can go and read all the cosmos, sex advice columns in Women’s Health Magazines, etc, etc. But those articles are mostly written by women, to women, for women and they have no idea what a men want. Shit, you don’t even know what you want on a daily basis. Yet, you gonna let some strange bitch tell you how to treat your man? Makes perfect sense. Continue doing what you’re doing and end up single. 

Now if you’re done wasting time and are willing to take some constructive criticism from a guy (an actual black guy at that), then I can clear up all the clutter that cosmo and the likes have created in 4 easy to follow actions. Ready? Let’s go.

1. Give Him His Space And His Time.

Boy! I cannot stress this rule enough. This is the golden rule of your relationship right here. You gotta give your man some space and time to himself. See, we men have this thing that we love to do. We love to be alone, but not by ourselves. What the fuck does that mean, Vlad? No worries, I’ll tell you. Guys love to do absolutely nothing in the presence of another human being. Ever go the bar and see two dudes just sitting at the bar staring at the TV? Well, Those niggas are having a great time! A women will walk by and go, “oh man, those guys must be bored.” Whereas, men look at that situation and go “those dudes know how to have a good time!” Men and women are totally different in this area and I acknowledge that. Women will take a man’s need to be left alone as a sign that she has done something wrong. Let me assure you, you’ve done nothing wrong. But here is where you fuck up. You will start to nag. Then nag some more. Then you will start playing 21 questions at hyper speed. Abort mission! I repeat! ABORT MISSION! You will only annoy your man and now you have created a more stressful situation. By nature women want to talk their feelings out, which is ok. That isn’t the time, nor the place to do so. Because, by in large men are simple creatures (there are exceptions to the rule, but we deal with them differently). We go through life scratching and clawing everyday dealing with our jobs, day-to-day bullshit, relationships, and various other things that irk the nerve. We need our “me time” to unwind and just let the stress of that shit melt away.

So, no ladies, this does not mean in any way shape or form that we don’t want anything to do with you. This is just a block of time that we give ourselves to just let shit go. Durning this time, we let our minds wander into the vastness of nothing. We are content. We are happy. Most importantly, we recharge ourselves to deal with the things that needs dealt with. So if your man seems a little distant, he just wants/needs a little time to himself. My advice, let him be. This isn’t the time to start nagging him. Do that on your own time.

2. Let Him Be With His Friends.

I don’t know what it is or what inter-dimensional vortex we slip into as men, but it seems that once we enter a relationship, we cut off all ties to the outside world. Nothing wrong with that, but it seriously seems that men tend to distance themselves from their friends, families, hell even their activities/hobbies once they enter a relationship (which I’m still trying to figure out the philosophy behind). I have a theory though, and before you shit all over it, hear me out. Maybe the reason why most men do this type of behavior is because, subconsciously, women tend to start nagging once their man starts to devote too much time and attention to anything other than you. I know a lot of you ladies reading this are going, “well I let my man do whatever he wants”, “he is free to go and hang with whomever he want to”. But is he really? Are you sure you don’t nag when he is with his friends a lot? Like, it doesn’t bother you, when he goes out at 7 p.m and comes home at midnight or so? Are you 100% sure you don’t go, “what were you doing all night?” or my personal favorite, “why are you coming home so late?”, I mean, let’s be real ladies, y’all do this on the regular.

In all seriousness though, let your man go be with his friends. He needs an outlet for his primal rage (other than the bedroom of course). Let him go be an idiot with his friends. Let your boo go on that weekend fishing trip. Let yo’ man go sit on his boy’s’ couch and stare off into space, he needs it. Otherwise, homie will demolish your crib trying some D.I.Y project y’all watched on HGN Network.

3. Let Him Actually Miss You.

Here’s a controversial thought: women on average are far more likely to miss their man, than their man are likely to miss them, if they spend more than a day apart. Facts! We can argue semantics later, but hear me out. If we were to say your boyfriend, has to be gone for two weeks to visit family, vacation, “business trip”, or whatever, he will miss you on that first day of the second week he is gone. Now granted, I am using some bullshit statistical analysis of a survey, that I totally made up, asking 15 men (“friends”) how long it would take them to miss their significant other if they were to leave for two weeks. So, my  standard deviation may or may not be plus or minus a couple hundred million, but the idea still stands. You need to give your man some (enough time) to miss you. It’s not that he’s glad to be aways from you, it’s just that it takes us guys awhile to actually miss someone. We don’t arbitrarily throw the phrase “I miss you” around like that. It’s just not manly.

4. Let Him Be Flirtatious.

Oooh, I can hear it now! “Fuck you, Vlad”, “You’re an asshole! Telling us to let our men be flirty with other women” neener-neener! Listen here, bitch, I’m not saying let your man go out and fuck other women; I’m just saying, let your man be flirty. He needs to keep his hunting skills sharp, just in case some bullshit happens between the two of you (You ain’t Ms. Cleo. Ya can’t predict di future, mon). Anyways, being flirtatious is a healthy thing for the both of you. It keeps you desirable to one another and from what I can observe, women are fiercely competitive when it comes to other women. So men, if you want to be keep your girls loins nice and wet, be flirtatious. She will fight like hell to keep your attention. Ladies, let your man be appreciated by other women, it let’s you know you made a wonderful choice in dating him. It’s a healthy thing for you to be desired by other men too. It keeps his interest peaked and let’s him know he too made the right choice. If you’re the jealous type and can’t handle your man being flirty, two things: 1. he’s not your possession and 2. step yo’ game up, homie!

So yeah, it’s not really that difficult to keep your man happy. I literally just laid out four things that you could start doing now to improve your relationship. There are so many articles, blogs, and videos always talks about what to do for the women, I’ve rarely read or watch anything worth the attention on how to properly treat your man. Put your pride aside ladies, and just let your man be a man. I know you want to have power and shit, but power corrupts. The last thing you need is to fuck up your relationship to someone you actually give a shit about. Modern woman or not, step your game up, homie!


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